Talking to a Partner or Parent Living with Dementia

The Situation: You’re caring for a loved one with a form of dementia. Right before initiating care, you notice yourself mentally bracing for a fight, your heart rate going up, or your breathing getting faster? Good news! Your brain is working becaus…

The Situation: You’re caring for a loved one with a form of dementia. Right before initiating care, you notice yourself mentally bracing for a fight, your heart rate going up, or your breathing getting faster? Good news! Your brain is working because it recognizes unfamiliar or unpredictable situations as a threat.

Now what? Let’s start with what you are noticing about your loved one. Do they:

  • Say or do things that are inappropriate?

  • Not respond the way you expect?

  • Say things that don’t make sense?

  • Use words that are close but wrong?

  • Repeat themselves or not remember instructions

  • Deny what you know is true?

  • State as true what you know is false?

If you notice one or more of the above, you are not alone. Many people feel lost, even frustrated at times, trying to communicate when faced with these unpredictable challenges.

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Step 1: Understand the Form of Dementia

Different types of dementias impact the brain in different ways.

Types of Dementia:

  • Alzheimer’s disease

  • Vascular dementia

  • Lewy body dementia

  • Frontotemporal dementia (FTD)

  • Mixed dementia (more than one type of dementia occurring in the same brain)

Each has unique symptoms and causes a variety of changes in abilities. In addition, the sequence and rate of changes will vary. The more you learn about the condition and how your loved one will be impacted, the better you can communicate.

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Step 2:

Make a Connection

Learning to communicate effectively with a person living with dementia can feel like speaking a new language.  Let’s use what you already know to connect. Studies support when communicating feelings or attitudes, we typically receive 55% of the message through body language, 38% of the message through tone of voice, and 7% from the actual words. Formal dementia training by educators such as Teepa Snow, instruct that body position and tone of voice are critical.

Below are some tips to connect with more success:

  • Approach from the FRONT with a smile

  • Make EYE contact

  • Initiate a greeting using a friendly tone of voice: “Hi _______. I’m Jenna.”

  • Wait for their response (to shake hand or turn away)

  • Get at or below eye level on their more dominant side

  • RESPECT their personal space

Step 3: Use Words to Affirm or Invite Participation

  • Greet the person BEFORE moving into action

  • Explain what is happening with hand gestures and limited words

  • Offer simple choices

  • Give a compliment of something they value

  • Share first about something you notice and then pause

  • Seek and be curious about their possible unmet likes, wants, or needs

  • Invite their participation: “Let’s try…” “Could you please help with…”

Step 4: Make a Plan

It’s always beneficial to make a plan.  You will feel more organized, calm, and confident. When you have a comprehensive plan, you can protect your loved one’s dignity and quality of life. Where can you start? Connect with a dementia consultant to navigate common challenges with more success.

Jenna Mele